Don't tell me "it gets easier" or "it's time to move on" ~ grieving mom
Says who? What gets easier? Loss happened and it happened to ME - in MY life. Just because YOU can "move on" or "let it go," doesn't mean I have to.
... or that I can.
Here is how I think of this post as it pertains to losing Grace (our 3 yr old daughter that passed away from cancer).
Forward time is inevitable. In my mind, moving forward doesn't mean "MOVING ON" or forgetting what happened. Life still happens, forever in forward motion.
I (still) can't believe the world didn't stop when Gracie passed away. How on Earth are people still going to work, going to school, going shopping, etc. when the world just lost this little Angel. I remember wondering how is the radio even playing music... My world stopped. And I don't even know for how long.
My life, going forward without her will happen whether I want it to or not. My best life with her in my arms (my 100) and now I can't hold her... where does that put me? 50, maybe 60%.... A piece of the puzzle of Ramey is gone. This hole in my puzzle will forever be there. Ramey is NOT the same Ramey when Grace walked this Earth. Nothing will ever fit there, nothing will ever go in its place. The hole of losing her has not gotten bigger or smaller. It's just there.
Great..... Now what? This huge gaping hole is there where anything can come in... (as if these emotions weren't already prevalent and becoming more overwhelming) … Emotions like fear, sadness, anxiousness, anger now have a direct "off ramp" into my soul. My constant nagging thoughts on What now? What do I do? What am I SUPPOSED to do?
There are still days, even 10 years later that I still don't know what to do.
Writing this is hard. I have to actually type these questions and face them. You probably expect an answer. I wish I had something profound or a "flip of a switch" solution. Truth is, there isn't. No quick fix. I haven't been able to give these questions consistent answers. Any given day my answers are different.
This process for me is ever changing. I am the mother of an Angel. Yes, but everyday I am the mother of an Angel that has been gone for one more day. Today, I write this as the mother of an Angel for 3861 days. I saw a sweet video of Grace and Faith this morning on my timeline and thought it would be a good day to write. The girls have been on my mind since this morning in all of their loveliness, laughter and sweet dance moves.
Tomorrow I will be the mother of an Angel for 3862 days and I could be as I am today, a little happier or a little sadder.
This right here is why when people say it gets easier, I'd like to have them think for a second. How on Earth did loss get easier for you? Enlighten me.
"IT" doesn't get easier.... "IT" is just different. You move forward with everyday, because tomorrow will happen. As much as I fight to go back in time, my life is moving forward. It is much different. It is my new "different" life without her here to hold.
Just like the world's timeline has a B.C. and an A.D., I have a B(efore).G(race). and an A(fter).G(race). It was like I have to discover my new self, my new life... The world as I knew it was gone and the new scary unknowns are overwhelming.
I have been trying to write about grief for longer than Gracie has been gone. I have started a few times, but ended quickly because it is hard to breathe to think of her. I am sure some can relate. I can think of her dancing so joyously with her sister and still feel sad.
My different life for the past 10 years has evolved. My puzzle piece is still missing and I am coming to terms that it will remain. Other pieces are being added to my Ramey puzzle, but there will always be (at least) one missing piece. One that will be thought of when someone asks about her or a memory crosses my mind. A scar that will forever be healing with my different new life. Memories of a sweet little girl that was loved by so many.
Still to this day there is a hole. It aches. I feel it for her. I know that she didn't deserve to be on this plane for one more second in the pain she was in.
Taking a break for now....
Thank you for taking a few minutes to read this. I know there are people out there that may appreciate these words. Just know that grieving is a process. It is different for EVERYONE. The timeline is different for EVERYONE.
Please share with someone today. Check on them, send them a quick message.
Here is the video :) https://www.facebook.com/ramey.stoyle/videos/10202339890329073/