Selfish Sucker Punch
As the waves of media stream... and the turbulence that follows a tragedy continue to shake my core, I remember.
I remember to honor the 9 people that lost their lives. I empathize. Even though Grace had a terminal illness, I feel with the families that lost their loves in a catastrophic moment. Families that are left knowing they will only see them in their dreams and reunite one day when they no longer walk this earth. Mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, mentors, inspirations... all roles that are now painful gapping holes in the lives of their loved ones left here.
Watching greatest and loving moments on tv make me miss Grace. I feel like watching tributes and interviews to Kobe make me feel like I wish I had a camera on me to capture and relive proud moments, kisses, giggles and snugs.
Am I selfish for recognizing that a loss always brings me back to MY grief? For my Papa, my Gramma, my Aunt, my Father in Law, my daughter? I am so torn to stop myself for feeling sad about my losses and remember the families that have in a recent instant suffer as I write.
It is like a sucker punch in the stomach when a loss felt by so many makes me think of my Grace. It stops me in my tracks. Don't get me wrong, I grieve for all of my relatives that have passed. I wish I could pick up the phone and call them everyday.
Grace especially was cherished and loved by so many and she was my daughter. My gift, John and Faith's gift... the world's gift. An inspiration, a helper, a giver of the "bigga bees."
Grief is emotional, it is physical and it lingers. How much energy do I have to give it today? Well, today it is a little overwhelming. My swollen eyes and puffy face are a sure sign that it got the best of me. I will let it, I will let myself have that moment.
Remember the inspiration you have from the ones that are passed. Remember that they are the reasons you breathe today, you smile today, you rest today. They are the reasons you are who you are today.
It is just a punch. An unexpected moment of breathlessness. A flash of pain... actual physical pain. It will pass. Memories will creep in, good memories that help the pain subside. Memories that will start to keep you strong until the next one.
Remember the 9 souls from the flight. Each of them meant the entire world to somebody. Remember your loved ones and what they mean to you. Have your moment(s), selfish or not, they are yours.
I am sad, sad for everyone missing someone. Sad for myself, my family and my friends that are feeling incomplete.
I am hopeful, hopeful that the punches are weaker and less frequent.
I am praying. Praying for soulful peace to all.