There are just no words...
After a loss, even many years after, what do you feel? what do you say? How do you even attempt to put those feelings into words. Happy ("how could I even use this word with what happened") Sad ("yes, I should, and do feel this way because she is gone") Proud ("there was maybe more I could have done, you are not confidently proud Ramey") Lost (yes, some days I still feel lost.)
For every word, whether it be positive or negative, I found (and sadly occasionally continue to) find a way to make myself feel unhappy. I could be having the GREATEST day ever and give myself a split second and think "It could be even better if Grace were here," diminishing my greatest day ever. I do this because I think am afraid.
I am afraid I will forget her. As my tears are welling up, I know this is my fear. Like I can't feel ok, because I know I could feel even better if she were here. I KNOW IT WOULD BE BETTER WITH HER HERE. But, she is not and I accept that. (not that I like to accept it, but I have to) I have to because these moments of greatness I enjoy with my family now, can't be diminished by something that can't be changed. That isn't fair to John, Grace, Faith, my friends, my family or MYSELF.
Did time help me accept the fact that my loss was real and I have a NEW reality without her? Eh, I'm not sure, it has been almost 11 years and I feel like my (new) reality changes often. I think of her daily and what she'd be doing at that certain moments. I think about what her future would be... My new reality isn't something that snapped one day and a new page was written, it is EVER changing.
The moments I experience in my new reality are amazing and I know (and understand) that it goes without saying that I WISH she were here. That I wish she could see her sister play softball or help her with her math homework.
It is ok, to feel ok. It is ok to tell the world I feel good, because I shouldn't have to say it would be better with Grace here, it is understood and goes without saying.
NOTHING will ever replace Grace, she is my child and I think of her as often as I do Faith. Not a moment, experience, person or thing will ever take her place or make me miss her less. Just because I say that I am "OK" or "FEELING GOOD" does NOT meant that I have forgotten her or the sadness that I feel for her. It just means for this particular moment, I am OK.
How I experience things today have everything to do with the lessons I learned from the past. I apply myself and use what I've learned watching Grace through her treatments as a reminder that I can do all things. I CAN get through my moment, minute, hours.
By accepting the fact that I can't do anything to get her back physically, I internally, spiritually, mindfully accept what she has taught me and the strength she showed me that I have, that didn't know I possessed.
No timeline is the same. There isn't a morning when you wake up and you're like.. "Ok, I'm feeling good, ready to begin the next phase of life without (your loved one).
Want to know what my timeline feels/looks like? It is like going back in time every once in a while... I have good mornings, good days and evenings. I have split seconds, days, hours that take me back to some of the hardest days.
To be continued...
I have to cut short before my keyboard shorts out from a few fallen tears. I split this entry up into 2 parts, I will continue this thought as another post shortly.
Fitting this post was written on 9/11. #neverforget To the families of souls lost, I pray for you and your healing.
Thank you for reading